Rollercoaster

“I have a rollercoaster in my head”, that’s what I said when I was depressed.

I went up and down with my emotions, from feeling happy to feeling down and all-in between, in just a few minutes. At first I stayed longer in the valley than on the happy top, later on that changed in being longer at the happy top and less in the valley, until I wasn’t in the valley much anymore.

It was always a strange feeling, I felt myself go up and down in my head.

Now I am not depressed anymore, but I still have a rollercoaster.
Only it is a rollercoaster with my thinking now.

For days I can go on and on, thinking, writing,thinking, writing………….. and it gives me an enormous kick.
On those days everything goes smooth, I know I can trust myself, I know I can trust my head on those days. I am alert, witty, can answer directly, I don’t wander with my thoughts, don’t forget anything, and so on…….

Than the valley sets in. Not a down valley this time, but it’s more a sleepy valley.
On those days I am tired in my head, it feels like I don’t wake up. This can take all day, and sometimes it is just in the morning. On those days I don’t trust my head at all. I do get all what is happening, but in slow motion, not fast enough to answer questions directly, and I can be in my own world in seconds on those days.

Mostly a valley takes 3 days, why 3 days, I don’t know. If I have to think about something, mostly it also takes 3 days before the answer is there.

If I think about it, my whole life is a rollercoaster. In general it has tops and valleys, just like anyone else. But I think I live like a rollercoaster too. All I do is a rollercoaster. I do all what has to be done, in a short amount of time, and then ……. Nothing.

A few nice days where I am productive, and then days with nothing happening in them.

May be I grew up with it. On a ship you have to “peak” if you can go on land, do this , do that, then back onto your “island”.
When moving I could rest.

These things are always hard and double………..

I need to plan now, divide everything I have to do over the day, more gradually, so I will get rest, so I become calm.

But if I did everything I had to do in a short amount of time, and after that I am done, that also gives me rest, which also makes me calm.
And the top of the rollercoaster in my head, gives me an enormous kick. I don’t know if I would like it , if that kick was gone.

Bye bye rollercoaster, hello dull and routine. Thats how it feels to me, if the rollercoaster would disappear.

At first I thought I needed a more interesting job, more challenge. But that means taking your work home. And before you know it, your work is your life.
I did this for 8 months. Being at home and wondering if I did everything right at work, having my cellular work phone with me, wondering if something would happen.

After all that has happened with me, that is one thing I know I don’t want. I am not going to live for my work.

Now I close the door behind me and I am out of my work. I like that. Even if my head is not cooperating, I can still do my work.

I also think that my work is just to make money.
What I would like to do is enjoy my life, but….. enjoy what?

What is it I want?

An artists life……. Ha ha ha. With some other yummie artist.

Wouldn’t it be fun if I could make money with my painting and writing :) But I am not good enough to do that, I think………

But all I want is a carefree, enjoyable life………
Just let my self go, like a ride on the rollercoaster.

Wouldn’t that be fun.

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Schedule

I have to make a schedule.

I have done this before, that time it was about what I all had to do in a day.

Now I have to make a schedule about what is good for me, for some reason a schedule allows me to do something for myself.

Plan and making schedules for me is synonymous to routine.

I don’t like to do the same every day. It makes me feel useless, boring and lifeless.

There isn’t anything that keeps my attention for long either. As soon as I figured it out, I go on. Challenge is gone than. There are also a lot of things I am good at, but never good enough, before I get good enough, the tension is gone.

May be I am restless.
May be that’s why my life exists out of doing things I have to do and the time left is for myself. At least I am doing something this way.

But today I had a thought, that may be a schedule can give me rest. I wanted to do something at the end of the day today, I planned this, so I already prepared dinner, so it would be easier on me when I came home. And planning this brought me rest when I was gone.

May be it is the challenge of having no schedule.

If I don’t have a schedule and still did everything I had and wanted to do that day, I am proud of myself.
If I remembered things without a schedule, it feels good, certainly now it is some confirmation that everything is still ok with me. No left overs from the cerebral hemorrhage.

But because I never plan anything, I am putting myself under pressure all the time. I keep my head working all the time. And I don’t take time to do nice things for me, I am not taking good care of myself this way.

Taking good care of me, is something I am trying to do more and more. And the schedule works in a way that I allow myself to do nice things for myself.

Now I only need to write the schedule down, now I am reminding the schedule, which gives pressure again.

Rest……. that is what it is all about.

May be I am living a routine and I have to break it with making a schedule for myself. Not with things on it that I have to do, but with things on it what I want to do, for myself.

Hmm…………

The water

There is something about the water and me.

Yes I was born and raised on the water. I know, but that is not it.

Wenn I was very little I had the same dream for a very long time; I was cleaning the ship, slipped and fell into the water. If I drowned or not, I never knew, I always woke up at that moment. I dreamed this dream for years.
Until the dream really happened to me, exactly as I had dreamed it.
My father luckely was in a row boat, which I fell next to, and grabbed me out of the water.

And now……..

First I want to go back to when I was depressed.
I was doing hypnosis, I did it myself and under guidance.
On a certain day I had to process the rape, and where was I with all my feelings, right… under water. In a cave, I was in some air bubble under water.

The day I “processed” the rape, I’m not sure if you can ever really process that. But let’s say the day that I was prepared to let go of the rape, I was in a swimmingpool, and some waterspout lifted me above the water , turning me around and “cleaned” me from everything.

If I didn’t want to see something in my hypnosis, there was always a wall, as high as me, with water flowing over it.

I also had a woman in a pond, which showed me things or gave me directions.

And in “real” life………..

I love the water, I am fascinated by all what is in it, and I have had an aquarium for almost my whole life.
Everything is so beautiful in the water; you ever noticed how beautiful a person is under water? Ha ha ha
Everything becomes “weightless” in the water, so strange.
I love to swim, the swimming itself, not the splashing, playing, pushing me under water and horseplay.
I always loved to waterski, canoe, well more things like that.

But…….. Actually, I am terrified of water.
Afraid of going under, it always feels like the water is flowing into my nose.

And now, with rehabilitation, I have this intense experience with water again.
I have to float, to relax, and what happened is that I started crying like a little girl ; just because, I had to relax.

The water…………..

Ergo therapist

My ergo therapist should have a different title , something like “mental coach”. May be a career switch, Marloes?

She knows how to activate my thinking, I think I am a different patient than her other patients. Ha ha ha , what am I saying, I don’t really have limitations, but I am limited.

I am a word analyst, not sure if that exists.

Someone can tell a lot to me, I listen, sometimes it might look I am not listening, but I do. And later on, all the words pass my mind again. This can happen the same day, or days later. I even think I am doing the same with someone’s expression and attitude. May be it is analyzing what I am doing , ha ha ha.

But with words I do this analyzing to the fullest. I know I am doing it, but it is not something I do on purpose.

And one person activates me more than others.

Marloes is one of those persons who activate me, everything she said passes my mind, and I am not doing a lot at that moment, just thinking back of all she said, what I responded, and then all of a sudden some words jump out, and those words because a thought.

Sometimes I even get angry about something she said, but it is all good.

I also think I react different than others. I can’t just do what she tells me to, even when the person studied for it. I need to understand it and I need a reason for doing something.
And if I might follow her advice, then I will be thinking about the results.

May be because she is the only one who gives me assignments, she activates me, she makes me think.

Not that I carry out the assignments like she wants me to, I think, I do it my own way.

And yet there is something Marloes does, which activates me, and I am very gratefull she is doing that.

My mental coach.

Believing in myself

Do you have any idea how hard that is at the moment?

I was always kind of insecure, and the last few years didn’t make that any less.

In the end, these years will only make things better, but I am still going through a whole process now.

First I am in depression for 2 years; that feels as if my head lets me down.

Than when I think I am through with that and can start to build up my life again, I get a cerebral hemorrhage. The next day, I immediately hear that there is another bad artery which needs an operation through a hole in my skull.

So now my body lets me down.

What is still left of me?

So than I am sitting there with all my pain,sadness and thoughts, in a body that is not cooperating and scared to death of becoming depressed again, because after the cerebral hemorrhage I had to wait for 8 months for my operation. I was living with the feeling of having a timebomb in my head. Well I was slowly losing it.

Tears are flowing big time, so it is good to talk about this.

What is still left of me, to believe in? Everything lets me down.

So all is behind me, I was lucky I came out ok, and then the recovery goes so terribly slow.

What is still left to believe in?

Well…… MYSELF

I kind of live with the idea, that all what happens in life has a reason. You don’t see that reason right away, most of the time the reason shows itself much later. The moment you get this “puzzle is complete” idea in your head, that feeling that the last piece is finally fallen into its place.

I think all had to happen with me because I was not living my own life, I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t really happy.

The depression was needed to get my mind in the right direction, to step out of a marriage which wasn’t right.
To step out of the Sonja who wasn’t me.

May be I even needed the depression, to be able to handle what I am in now.

May be after the depression I was changing into my old me again, and needed the cerebral hemorrhage, to stop that. I had to stop with what I was doing, I was destroying myself.

But a much more beautifull reason is, I think, that the cerebral hemorrhage was needed to find the other bad artery. So I could make a complete new start, physically and mentally.

And the recovery takes so long, because I need time to make that change to become myself.

Otherwise I will be tempted to fall back in my old habits again, now I am forced by myself to work on myself.

So…… Did everything really let me down?

May be “me” knows very well what she is doing, and may be “me”  is the only thing I can really believe in and really trust on.

All I am saying here can also be nonsense offcourse, but is that important?

I always need a reason for everything.

This way of looking at things or thinking about things, got me through everything so far. Many times there is a reason, only most people don’t think about it.

Everyone is different, and this is me.

Me and “my weird head” .

And this remark about my head is not meant in an inferior way. I know I sometimes think different than others. There will be more like me, but I don’t meet them much. Or they don’t talk about it, just like I never did.

So believing in myself…………

I think I have every reason to believe in myself. But because I never really did, it isn’t so easy for me; I need some more “experiences”.

And “me” will know what my next experience will be.

Nice thought, isn’t it?
That I can believe in myself, that “me” knows what it is doing.

“Me” should have a name, may be it is Sonja.

One night stand part 2

May be I know what the purpose of the almost one night stand was.

After something like that, I start thinking thoughts like; “Why did I do that? It is not like me, why did I do that?” , and than after a day or 3, the reason comes out.
I wish this thinking process could go faster, but thats another A4.

But I think all this has to do with believing in myself. Gaining confidence in myself.

Knowing that I decide what happens with me, when and by who.
Sounds very easy, you just say “no”, and than it won’t happen. But this was never so easy for me.

I was in a marriage for 20 years, in which I never was forced to have sex, but saying “no” resulted in an angry or grumpy husband. So, to keep the peace, I just let it happen. Which for me felt as an obligation or something in which I had no say.

Before these 20 years of marriage I was raped, something I had never had help processing, so this didn’t make me ok in a relationship either.

H. is the first one who treats me like it is supposed to be. No is no, and there is not even a discussion or bad word about it. This way of treating me, results in me wanting more sex. Don’t tell my ex , ha ha ha.

For my ex the relationship was good if the sex was good. For me the relationship has to be good and then sex follows.

And I think the almost one night stand also has to do with me attracting certain men.

May be I always attracted the “wrong” men, or “that kind of men” , just because I didn’t believe in myself enough.

That is different this time too, it was a different kind of man, the almost one night stand man was different, H. is also a different kind of man.

I think this part of believing in myself, the part of making the right choices, is also part of the experience I needed from the almost one night stand.

I needed to know that my choices have changed, because I changed. I have to cry now :) A sign that I am on the right track with my thinking.

My Comfort Zone

Someone told me yesterday that I might try to step outside “my comfort zone”.
(May be I already started to do that with my almost having a one night stand, ha ha ha)

But what is “my comfort zone”.

My comfort zone is my safe harbour, my controlled life.

All my life I am doing things I need to do, and the time left is for myself. If all the “obligations” are done, than I allow myself to do nice things for me.
And now I have to turn that around, do things for myself first, then what is needed by others.

And what happens? A transitional phase LOL

What I am doing all day now is, do what I have to do then write, do what I have to do then write.
And I am ENJOYING it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My head is spinning, until I collapse ofcourse , but we will see when that happens. I am overflowing with inspiration, I think I can write about any subject right now.
Some people will call it being “creative” , I call it “my weird head”.

“Step outside your comfort zone”, she said………..

She is a great person by the way, she always seems to trigger me. I know she studied to learn how to trigger me, but still, it feels good, there is some kind of connection between us.

But everything I am doing in the last 5 years is outside my comfort zone.

Been depressed………………. very much outside my comfort zone. Depression, going to therapists and all that comes with it , was for “softies”, not for me, I could solve my problems by myself.

Left my husband……………… very much outside my comfort zone. Choose for my happiness over marriage, very much outside my comfort zone.

I got all kinds of diplomas so I could find myself a decent job. Very much outside my comfort zone, I have been a housewife and mom for 20 years. Never really took care of myself financially, now I am.

Being ill for more than a year, not that I had a choice , but very much outside my comfort zone. I was never ill, and if I was, I just kept on doing what was needed. Now there is a brake on my life. And the hardest thing is to keep that brake , applied, otherwise my life goes wrong again.

May be I have to divide it into internal and external comfort zones.

So far, all of my work is on my external comfort zone. The outside borders of myself. Everything around me. The beginning.
And from now on, ( or from the almost one night stand on, ha ha ha ) ,it is my internal comfort zone.

“My comfort zone” hmm………..