Time for Myself

I am not sure what I am going to write about today.
There is no title yet when I start writing this.

I feel kind of “normal”, I have more of those “ I feel normal” days lately.
Only very tired, and thinking a lot about what needs to change.
Some things are just too much for me right now.

I should get rid of one dog, I have 2 German shepherds, both pull on the leash a bit.
So now they do all their “stuff” on the balcony, which I clean again, but walking with the dogs rarely happens. It is just too much.
But getting rid of one dog, only the thought already makes me sad, but it would be better for the dog and for me.

With the kids/adults I agreed that things are going to change.
Instead of living in a hotel with mom as their maid, it is going to be 4 adults living in a house together.
I have had it, yes I am their mom, yes I have to take care of them, but until what age?
Yes on alla ges, but there is a limit, and I think I reached it.
When I was 17, I lived on my own and had to take care of myself.
So I think it is time fort hem to start cooking, cleaning , doing the laundry and so on.

They need to be able to take care of themselves.
And so far I failed in teaching them how to do that.

I am a mom with a few basic rules; I am in favor of discovering life.
I think I am an “easy” mom compared to others.
As long as they are honest and tell me where they are, they can do a lot.
Be a “kid” for as long as possible, all that serious adult stuff is going to take long enough.
We do talk about how I think about things and why, why they do things and how they think about them. But I let them make their own decisions as much as possible.

And so far this way of upbringing gave me 3 great kids, all being themselves, being their own individual, no clone of their parents.
All 3 have their own clear opinion about things, and I think this is the way it should be.

But are they taking care of themselves? Not really.
Taking responsibility? Not really.

I hate schedules and making plans.
But I think it is needed, so I can get more rest.

It is time for myself and what I want.

May be that’s a nice title; “Time for Myself”.

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The pituitary

In the meanwhile I talked to the head doctor of rehab again.

All the blood samples were not taken for nothing.
There is a change in my hormone values.

This doctor thinks that the pituitary did get a “punch” from the cerebral hemorrhage.
Something which doesn’t happen a lot, but it does happen.
It is not damaged, just upset.
The bleeding occured 1.5 cm away from the pituitary gland.

For those who don’t know what the pituitary is, I will give a small explanation:

The pituitary looks like a small kind of pea 1 cm in diameter; it is a gland which produces hormones.
It is located in the middle of the head, right under the brain.

The hormones which are produced here are responsible for:
Growth
Blood pressure
Functions for male and female genitals
Thyroid function
Metabolism ( converting food into energy)
Water regulation in the body
Water balance by controlling the reabsorption of water by the kidneys
Temperature regulation
Pain control
Influences emotions
And more

The doctor is not completely sure, but it would explain almost all the problems I have been dealing with this past year, and what I am still dealing with.

Good news is that it is all healing again, so I could be “my old” me again soon. ( May be even lose some weight ? Ha ha ha)

Yeah !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels good, I would rather be healthy of course.
But knowing that it might be this and I will probably be ok again, is doing me good.

Smoking

I am one of those nagging ex-smokers.
Halfway that is, I only nag at home, all 3 “kids” smoke.
I still go to the pub and to visit friends who smoke, and I don’t really have a problem with it.

Last year, all 3 quit smoking, but I think the stress of my operation became too much for them, so they started smoking again.

Last year I also painted the house, between the cerebral hemorrhage and the operation, some kind of occupational therapy I think.
And H. did most of the painting, I wasn’t up to it at all.

A nice clean, fresh house is now being ruined again with the smoking.
My clothes stink.
They smell out of their mouths.

Things like that are what I am nagging about.

I quit smoking for over a year now, and I am not going to smoke again either, but sometimes there is still that feeling of, “yummy a cigarette”.

Looking back I am even glad I smoked.
I know that sounds strange.

But my cerebral hemorrhage is due to a birth defect, I was born with bad spots in my veins, because of smoking the time of when they would burst was brought forward.

So I had a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 46.
Because of this cerebral hemorrhage, they found another bad spot on my other carotoid artery which was about to burst.
So I needed an operation, a major one , through my skull.
This other artery bursting could have happen soon, but it could also have burst in ten years.

But what happens when you need an operation like that?

They look at your life expectancy.

So if you are 46, you still have almost a whole life ahead of you, you will get the operation you need.

If I would have been 66 for example, than I probably would have died in ten years anyway, so I might as well die from the bleeding, so no operation is needed.

I waited for 10 months for this operation to take place, with a timebomb in my head, and I was slowly going crazy.
I think if I had to walk around wit hit for 10 years, you could have locked me up in an institution.

Kind of bizarre, isn’t it?
In a way smoking saved my life.

Frustrating

Last week it happened again, I had a fight with someone.
What it was about or with whom I had it is not important.
But the way I feel afterwards is ridiculous.

The day after I feel really sick, upset stomach, I feel like I need to throw up, some sort of mega nervous.

I have no control over my emotions anymore since the operation and this is so frustrating.

I don’t feel like I was wrong, I don’t feel guilty, so that’s not it.

I do think it is very annoying, because he doesn’t want to see my side of the story, but we just see things different, so we will never agree.

I want to let it go, just let it slip off of me.

Someone said to me: “Be a rock and let it bounce”. I thought this was an appropriate remark.

I used to be a rock, may be even too hard sometimes, but I could differentiate what was worth worrying about or not, and adjust to it. I could let it go or push it away.( which was not good for me)

Now I still can differentiate, and I know how I want to react or should react, but my head and body are leading their own life. My head and body don’t let it go.

I don’t know what to do about it.
In rehab they say it is something they see often, the emotional shield is porous or damaged, after a cerebral hemorrhage, or some other radical happening, but I think with me the whole shield is gone.

It is so frustrating.

Overloaded

Last night I have been crying for a while.

I was already tired this whole week, from starting up my blog, and than my daughter came home again, she is living here now.

The whole week I have been busy , translating (all the instructions for my blog is in English and I am Dutch) , understanding all of it and bringing everything into use, to get my blog together.
And this is taking so much energy, that I shouldn’t do anything else, but normal life goes on too.

It is then that I notice very much, that all isn’t ok yet with those brains of mine. I am not my “old” self yet.

Normally you sleep a long night and then everything is ok again, but now, it will probably take a week or so, to become rested again. It is so frustrating.

And then my daughter came home to live here again.

This happens exactly on the most tiring day of my week, Thursday.
On this day I have to swim, do fitness and therapy, all on one day in rehab. And I was already tired from starting up my blog, so………… I was grumpy all day.
The next day we created some order in all her boxes, created a sleeping place, because I don’t have a spare bedroom.

And in the evening, when I was alone again, all I could do was CRY.

It is all too much for me. It still is, I start crying again now just thinking about it.

Instead of getting more rest, it becomes busier here.

It will all have it’s reason.
I know she will help me a bit around the house, and it is always cozy talking with her, so if all the mess is gone again, it will all be ok again.

And my blog, most of it is working, so that pressure will become less too.

Being busy with all this, also means , I’m not working on myself.
I hardly did write anything last week, I didn’t feel enough, I didn’t think about myself enough. So that “bucket” overflows.

All my “buckets” are overflowing.

I am “overloaded”.

Deepest Respect

I am thinking about a program I saw on TV a few days ago.
It was about CAA.
A disease in which you can get a cerebral hemorrhage at any moment, the first can be fatal, but it can also take a while until the next one , again and again, until you slowly become worse and worse.
One thing is sure about this disease, it will kill you, there is no medication for it.

That evening I was watching TV, it was already too emotional for me to listen to it. He has my deepest respect, that he can be like that, living with a “time bomb” in his head.

And his son, he can take a test to see if he has the disease, but why ? There is no medication.
But, he is walking around, wondering “do I have it or not”.

I walked around with a “timebomb” in my head for 9 months.
Another aneurysm that was about to burst, they didn’t know when, and I needed an operation, clipping, they put a clip on the neck of the aneurysm then.

Normally the waiting time for an operation like that is 3 months. That 3 months wasn’t so bad, it gave me the chance to recover from the cerebral hemorrhage.
I needed to visit anesthesia very fast, so they could put me on the schedule very fast.

That “very fast” became 9 months.
In the meantime I spoke to someone from planning, every 2 weeks. 3 times I was scheduled in for the operation, I heared later on, or I heared a “probable date”. But there were constantly emergency cases and people with higher risks who took my place.

It is all very understandable, but I had to live with the “time bomb”, afraid I would become an emergency case, knowing that if it would burst, they couldn’t get to the aneurysm because of the pressure in my brain. And my children and H. knew this too.

The first time I was lucky, no left overs of the cerebral hemorrhage. But who guaranteed me so much luck again?

I lived with sadness, anger,frustration. I thought I slowly was going “crazy”. I was afraid of becoming depressed again, and my children with me.

Deepest respect for H. , who had the same fears, but also had to deal with my temper what came along with all the feelings. He just let it happen.
I have the deepest respect for my children.

I give the deepest respect for everyone with a “time bomb”, no matter what kind, and for the people around them.

Filters

Addition to “Makes Me Insecure”

It feels as if my incoming filters are not working right.
I think the brain normally filter/regulate everything that comes in, I am not a doctor, I only say what I think and how it feels to me, and with me those filters don’t work right.

From everything that comes in, I get the full load.

Sunlight, full load, people who have migraines know what I am talking about.

New sound, full load, if I am used to it I’m ok.

If I look around me, I don’t see 1 building for example, I see all buildings, all windows, all signs, and so on.

I think with the emotions it is more because I am changing.
Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I open it and react, if I get hurt. I need to get used to this behaviour; it is a new feeling for me.
Or may be because the feeling is new, “me” doesn’t know how to filter/regulate them.

Everything feels new, while I am familiar with it.

I will ask at rehab how it works with those “filters”.