Under Construction

What am I doing?

Trying to find a reason for how I am feeling.
Not that it will change anything, but may be when I understand what is going on in my head, I can accept how I am feeling.

I have the tendency to fall back in my biggest mistake.
I don’t want to be “sick”, so I try to not let it rule my life.
But then I fall back into the biggest mistake I can make.

Do too much, go over my limits, which results in feeling worse.

I need a reason for myself, to accept it better, I feel guilty now.
It feels like everyone is looking at me and thinks: “Go back to work, don’t feel sorry for yourself”.
But mainly it is me who can’t get “peace” with my situation.

So now I am doing “research” about the brain, how the brain works , about the operation, and the effects the operation has on my brain.
I want to add all this to my blog as a separate chapter someday.
But it all goes slowly, it makes me tired.

I am also trying to write about my sexual problems. I am not sure yet how or if I am going to share this.
I do think I can help people with talking about my experiences. There are still women/girls who have the same weird idea about sex I had.

My idea was that woman are supposed to “give” sex to a man, because men need it. I never really thought about the idea of needing it myself or liking it.
At first I thought I was the only one or last one thinking this way.
But I found out that there are still women, even young girls, who think the same way.
It is such a shame, right?

By writing about my experiences and thoughts about this and may be sharing them, I am trying to find an answer to why we think this way and how we can change ourselves so we can enjoy sex.

So…… all is under construction.

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I Want to be Fit Again

It is silent inside of me. I am so terribly tired, that my day consists of doing something and sleep.

This first part I wrote yesterday, too tired to finish it, I got a headache and needed to stop writing.

Today it is all drama.
For the first time I cancelled rehabilitation.
I am so tired that I am constantly dizzy and sick and I have a headache.
If I walk up the stairs and then down again I am totally exhausted.

I do have more time for myself in the last 1,5 week. The kids are helping me with the housekeeping now. It should become nicer for me this way.

But now I can relax more, I am finding out how tired I really am.
I think I was living on adrenaline.

If I ask the doctors what it is and where it comes from, I constantly get the same answer, “You are doing too much, you need more rest, this needs time”.

May be I underestimated things a bit, like the surgeon said.
He said that I shouldn’t forget the fact that although he didn’t damage my brain, he did have to manipulate my brain to get to the artery. He literally pushed my brain to the side and it needs time to heal, 1 to 1,5 years.
The fact that I got through the operation so easy doesn’t make the operation less severe.

I don’t do much, I think, but probably still too much for the recovery of my brain.

This is so terribly hard on me, I hate this so much. I am so tired of being sick.
I don’t want this anymore, I want to be normal again.
I want to go forward, but it feels like going backwards.
I want to be fit again.

I Am Myself

“You are not yourself anymore”, “Be carefull that you don’t change too much”, these kind of things some people say to me.
It is probably because they don’t know how to deal with the changes in me.

“That’s how I know you”, “Finally I see things in you again from when you were young”, “This is so how I remember you”, these are also things some people say to me.
Family and people I know from when I was young, say these things to me.

The fact that I was different, doesn’t mean I am not myself now.

Yes I have changed;
I was a tough woman who solved everything by pushing it away.
I am still a tough woman who solves everything. Only I use a different way of dealing with life.
So basically not much has changed about me.

I couldn’t stay like I was.

When I got depressed, for me that was a sign I had to change things.
In those two years I was depressed, so much stuff came up, from which I thought I “solved” it, but I didn’t solve anything, I just pushed it a way.
This experience only, tells me that I can’t go back to how I was. I was kidding myself all those years and I had to pay for it with a depression. I don’t want to go back there.

Then the cerebral hemorrhage happened.
I also changed because of this experience. The pain I had that day, all it did with me afterwards. I can’t ignore it and act like nothing happened.

Than waiting for 8 months for an operation to take place. Not knowing if I would survive the operation or get another cerebral hemorrhage while waiting.

How can this all not change me?

And I don’t even call it change.
I call it growing.

You know what it is?

I am still that though woman who solves everything herself.
I only grew in the fact that I have emotions now, I am much more sensitive, more spiritual and I know myself much better.

So what if I cry? So what if I listen to myself more? So what if I want to try to fulfill all my dreams?

I am only a grown version of myself.

But I am still me.

Maybe

So much to tell, but I don’t know where to start.

I am worried a bit.
I may have to go to work again in six weeks, but I am not even doing my own housekeeping. I still have help for that.
This help stops around the same time as I need to start working again. So everything comes together.

I would think that I first need to get my life in order again and then add my job to it.
But I am afraid the authorities will think different about this.

I would like to change jobs too.
I think I am going to send out open application letters to become a writer.
If I would be lucky and find a job as a writer, I could work and get healthy at the same time.

I also have the feeling that I want to have purpose.
I want to be someone.

Writing could also be a way of making a living while I discover America.

Today I talked with my psychologist, she thinks that in the end I will make the right decision. I am not someone who makes wrong decisions , she said.

I would love to jump towards uncertainty. I always do what is smart.
One of my kids said it would give me the feeling of being alive again. And I think that is exactly what I need.
Change my life to feel alive again.
But…., I always want financial certainty.

But what could happen in the worst scenario?

That no one will want me as a writer.
That America is not my place to be.
And then I am back to where I am now.

Even my kids tell me to try to fulfill my dreams, otherwise I will regret it.
Great kids.

I think it is all so scary, but maybe I need to try it.

Take a change.

Maybe.

Goodbye

Today I have been to my surgeon, the one who clipped my aneurysm through my skull at the end of November last year.

Everything was ok and all the problems I am experiencing is all part of my recovery.
I don’t have to go back to him anymore.

Being dizzy, too much light, getting sick, being tired and so on, all of it is “normal”.
He only thought that I experienced things much more intensely than others may be.
I need to have patience, don’t underestimate the operation. It will take about 1,5 years before I will be completely recovered, or when I can say I will have residual symptoms or not.
I am allowed to do more, if needed, he thought I was already doing great.

I also had an old experience in a “new jacket” today.
Mown grass, normally I am lightly allergic to it, I start sneezing. But today I smelled the smell for the first time since my operation, and this was so fierce, that I felt that I was floating.

But this all makes me a bit emotional.

I am happy that all I feel is “normal”, happy that it is all part of it.

But it is also a closure of a chapter in my life.

Saying goodbye to a man who was part of my life for about a year, thanks to whom I still have a life, is weird.
Closing this chapter confronts me with the fact of how lucky I have been and how thankful I am that I am still alive and doing well.

I have been crying for a while today.
It feels good.

Gaining Old Experiences

I have been to my parents.
They have a yacht, I have been sailing, see the environment.

The plan was to relax a bit, to do nothing, to be out of my own environment for a while.
And I succeeded, but with a large but.

Everything I went for did happen and a part of me relaxed. But another part of me became extremely tired.

My head needed to get used to old experiences again.

In the late morning we went sailing, nothing special I thought. I sat down in the steeringhouse to look around a bit, enjoy nature.
But I was wrong………
I got sick, not seasick, not the from swinging motion. I got sick of all the moving images I saw looking outside.
I went to another room, without a view, and I felt better again. Then I went up to the steeringhouse to try it again, and it started again. Not as terrible as the first time, but I still didn’t feel ok. After two hours I was feeling fine again.
So weird, I have sailed my whole life.
The other day I was there, sailing didn’t affect me anymore.

The same day we went to get groceries.
We went to a grocery market I never been in before, to search for a certain kind of cheese. And I got dizzy, and to feeling weird.
To much light, to much to see, and search for. Not a good combination for me right now.

It feels as if I need to get used to everything all over again.
It feels as if I get to many impulses which make me overload.
I thought I was over this, I experienced it in my own environment too, but in this environment I am doing ok now.
But it is still there.

Next Wednesday I have my check up with my surgeon, I will ask him about this.
May be it has to do with being tired, I am tired a lot lately. That’s why I went to my parents.

But experiencing old experiences, was a “new” experience to me.

Underappreciated

I feel much underappreciated today, or for a while longer already.

I have always been a mother and housewife, and people say I did well with raising my kids, but that’s all. All that comes with being a mom and housewife, is easily seen as me doing my “duty”, so nothing to appreciate there.

Past 4 years were pretty hard on me. But it feels as if people around me think it is time that I am becoming ok again. As if I can choose to be ok again.

There are people who think I should go back to work again, because I can also drink a beer at the pub again.
The fact that I have to pay for those few hours at the pub, by feeling bad and tired for days, is not something they think about. The paying for it afterwards gets shorter, so for me it all is progress.

A few days ago I told my kids I would make a schedule with them (my kids are 17,18,24) so they can contribute to helping me with the housekeeping too. This wasn’t really a problem, but when I said, in a why conversation over why the change, that I thought they were acting egoistically sometimes, because they only do what they want and never help me without me telling them what to do, we had a fight. According to them I shouldn’t have said that, so a big fight ensued and no schedule being made was the result.

So now I am doing the same as they do, I am doing what I want, doing my own laundry, not washing their clothes, I didn’t cook yesterday, I will cook today. And this weekend I am going away.
I have had it, I feel like a maid, and if I say something about it than I am the one in the wrong.

I have had enough of this situation, I feel much underappreciated.
It is my “duty” to take care of them, but I also think it is my duty to teach them responsibility, and to make sure they can take care of themselves.

If they appreciate me more I will return to doing my “duty” again.