I constantly have the tendency to apologize for not writing enough. But I am not going to because: ‘Oh yeah , it is my blog’, I can write whenever I want to.
Today I feel ‘normal’, I do recognize myself again in a certain way. I can do my thing a bit longer again and I feel like doing things again.
Last week I went to the ear doctor and my ears are ok. At first I was a bit disappointed. You start doubting yourself. Am I imagining things? Where does the dizziness comes from and why the ear pain?
But then I realize that I am using that nose spray for my membranes/ears and maybe it finally is working. I also am using my medication for my thyroid for a month now. So everything might be falling in to place now.
This last few months I have been down a lot. It feels like I am “saying goodbye to my sickness period.”
I wrote a column about this:
“It feels like I am saying goodbye to myself.
As if I am not myself anymore if I am healthy again.
I know I am more than someone being sick.
I am happy that it is almost over but I am sad at the same time.
How do you say goodbye to such an important part of your life?
How do you say goodbye while it stays part of you?
I need to give it a place. But it is already taking so much space.
Maybe a smaller place. But if I minimalize this period it won’t get the importance that it deserves anymore.
It has to decrease. But I don’t want it to decrease.
I need to close it to start all over again.
Just go on……..
I will go on. But it will never be normal again.
Saying goodbye just hurts.”
(Under links there are more of my columns)
The strange thing about this saying goodbye is that I think I know why this is so hard on me, why I am not ready yet.
At home I have my mom’s agenda. I want to use it to finish my page about my cerebral hemorrhage. But I am afraid to read it a bit. Afraid to read the feelings of my mom. Afraid to know how they felt when I was in the hospital.
The strange thing also is. I feel guilty.
Although I know it wasn’t my fault, because of me my family and friends had a lot of pain and sadness and that is hard on me.
I could just not read that agenda and not finish that page, but it is not working. It blocks me.
I need to finish all I lived through to have a ‘normal’ life again.