I constantly have the tendency to apologize for not writing enough. But I am not going to because: ‘Oh yeah , it is my blog’, I can write whenever I want to. Continue reading
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Exhausted, wet from sweating but very content, I am sitting on the couch now.
I walked one of my dogs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To me this is very special.
I used to walk with 2 German Shepherds at once, until today I couldn’t even walk one dog anymore.
I didn’t have the strength or energy anymore.
And now I walked with one dog for half hour.
It started with a cerebral hemorrhage on the 14th of February 2013.
Because of this my body goes in to shock and my metabolism into survival mode. Everything my body can do to stay alive and recover starts working.
First my body eats my fat reserves, I didn’t have much fat to start with, so it was my muscle tissues turn next.
In those 2 weeks in the hospital, this process went very fast. I came home skinny and very weak.
The body stays in survival mode.
The body starts to save any extra nutrients that it can find. This is why I gained so much weight so fast.
I saw the fat balls appearing under my skin, painfull solid discs under my skin.
After some time the weight gain slowed, but it took at least a year until it stabilized.
Maybe the doctors were right about my pituitary being hit. But may be the thyroid hormones and growth hormones are part of this survival mode. It forces everything to make more than needed to stimulate growth in energy supply.
At the same time the cleansing process starts.
The abnormal behavior of my peeing already started in the hospital.
I didn’t pee much for days and after a few days all came out. During the days I didn’t pee much, those solid disks under my skin increased rapidly.
Maybe it is some kind of battle between survival and cleansing. Survival mode wants to store everything, cleansing wants to get rid of everything.
The strange stool is kind of the same story.
When the peeing changed to kind of normal, the excessive sweating started. Which is also a form of cleansing.
This cleansing process above is working from the inside going out. But on the inside there is also a cleansing process going on.
Contaminated cerebrospinal fluid was drained through the backbone into the muscles along the spine from the pressure of the hemorrhage.The immune system then had to dispose of it.
Because I already have connective tissue growth in my SI joint, this becomes my weak spot. Waste material doesn’t have enough space to pass out of backbone, that’s why nerves get pinched and cause terrible pain in my back.
It the beginning the pain was so terrible that I could hardly walk.
Now the waste gets less and the pain gets less.
All this is reasonably stabilizing.
Muscles are coming back, fat becomes less, peeing is almost normal and the sweating gets less.
My back is sometimes worse than others, there are even days I have no pain at all.
The body was also tired because it was so weak.
Not much muscle tissue, but gaining weight is heavy and tiring.
All these processes going on is tiring too.
And waiting that long for an operation is tiring mentally.
I can’t stop this process either, not even for a short time. The body goes on with healing, tired or not.
While this all is going on, a second process starts at the end of November because of the operation.
So all repair work is double now.
Instead of only my body working to heal everything, now the healing process of my brain starts. A healing process which is much more tiring then just my body healing.
More about this brain healing process next time.
What am I doing?
Trying to find a reason for how I am feeling.
Not that it will change anything, but may be when I understand what is going on in my head, I can accept how I am feeling.
I have the tendency to fall back in my biggest mistake.
I don’t want to be “sick”, so I try to not let it rule my life.
But then I fall back into the biggest mistake I can make.
Do too much, go over my limits, which results in feeling worse.
I need a reason for myself, to accept it better, I feel guilty now.
It feels like everyone is looking at me and thinks: “Go back to work, don’t feel sorry for yourself”.
But mainly it is me who can’t get “peace” with my situation.
So now I am doing “research” about the brain, how the brain works , about the operation, and the effects the operation has on my brain.
I want to add all this to my blog as a separate chapter someday.
But it all goes slowly, it makes me tired.
I am also trying to write about my sexual problems. I am not sure yet how or if I am going to share this.
I do think I can help people with talking about my experiences. There are still women/girls who have the same weird idea about sex I had.
My idea was that woman are supposed to “give” sex to a man, because men need it. I never really thought about the idea of needing it myself or liking it.
At first I thought I was the only one or last one thinking this way.
But I found out that there are still women, even young girls, who think the same way.
It is such a shame, right?
By writing about my experiences and thoughts about this and may be sharing them, I am trying to find an answer to why we think this way and how we can change ourselves so we can enjoy sex.
So…… all is under construction.
It is silent inside of me. I am so terribly tired, that my day consists of doing something and sleep.
This first part I wrote yesterday, too tired to finish it, I got a headache and needed to stop writing.
Today it is all drama.
For the first time I cancelled rehabilitation.
I am so tired that I am constantly dizzy and sick and I have a headache.
If I walk up the stairs and then down again I am totally exhausted.
I do have more time for myself in the last 1,5 week. The kids are helping me with the housekeeping now. It should become nicer for me this way.
But now I can relax more, I am finding out how tired I really am.
I think I was living on adrenaline.
If I ask the doctors what it is and where it comes from, I constantly get the same answer, “You are doing too much, you need more rest, this needs time”.
May be I underestimated things a bit, like the surgeon said.
He said that I shouldn’t forget the fact that although he didn’t damage my brain, he did have to manipulate my brain to get to the artery. He literally pushed my brain to the side and it needs time to heal, 1 to 1,5 years.
The fact that I got through the operation so easy doesn’t make the operation less severe.
I don’t do much, I think, but probably still too much for the recovery of my brain.
This is so terribly hard on me, I hate this so much. I am so tired of being sick.
I don’t want this anymore, I want to be normal again.
I want to go forward, but it feels like going backwards.
I want to be fit again.
I feel much underappreciated today, or for a while longer already.
I have always been a mother and housewife, and people say I did well with raising my kids, but that’s all. All that comes with being a mom and housewife, is easily seen as me doing my “duty”, so nothing to appreciate there.
Past 4 years were pretty hard on me. But it feels as if people around me think it is time that I am becoming ok again. As if I can choose to be ok again.
There are people who think I should go back to work again, because I can also drink a beer at the pub again.
The fact that I have to pay for those few hours at the pub, by feeling bad and tired for days, is not something they think about. The paying for it afterwards gets shorter, so for me it all is progress.
A few days ago I told my kids I would make a schedule with them (my kids are 17,18,24) so they can contribute to helping me with the housekeeping too. This wasn’t really a problem, but when I said, in a why conversation over why the change, that I thought they were acting egoistically sometimes, because they only do what they want and never help me without me telling them what to do, we had a fight. According to them I shouldn’t have said that, so a big fight ensued and no schedule being made was the result.
So now I am doing the same as they do, I am doing what I want, doing my own laundry, not washing their clothes, I didn’t cook yesterday, I will cook today. And this weekend I am going away.
I have had it, I feel like a maid, and if I say something about it than I am the one in the wrong.
I have had enough of this situation, I feel much underappreciated.
It is my “duty” to take care of them, but I also think it is my duty to teach them responsibility, and to make sure they can take care of themselves.
If they appreciate me more I will return to doing my “duty” again.