Acceptance

Yesterday I had a discussion with my boyfriend. He is a Christian, I am not. I don’t have a problem with it and accept him for how he is and for how he thinks. He says he accepts my way of thinking too, but it doesn’t feel that way. Continue reading

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I Am Stuck

I am completely stuck with myself at the moment.
It feels as if I am lost.

A part of me is doing very well, I feel better, and I also feel good about myself.
That part of me I can let go with life, trust on myself, that it knows what it is doing. It is the “go with the flow” idea.

But another part of me is not growing with me.
And this part is also difficult for me to talk about, but I have to, because I am stuck completely.
I don’t sleep well, I become more tired, I feel dazed, as if I am on heavy medication.

This part is my intimate part, let’s call it “my sex part”.
But I don’t know what to do about it.
My ideas about sex are wrong, messed up. For me sex basically is something what is needed to make babies, and it is something that needs to happen because a man needs it or wants it.
This is the basic idea in my head, which doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it.

What’s the cause of this thought, I don’t know, may be my Christian upbringing, may be the people around me, I don’t know.
And things that happened with me, like start with having sex to early with the wrong type of guy, and later on a rape, only makes this idea about sex stronger.
With H. for the first time in my life I have good sex, but I was already 45 years old before I finaly experienced good sex.

I think I built a wall around me all those years, to protect myself. A wall which has to go now, but I am not sure how to get rid of it.

Deep down inside of me I know I can desire sex, that I am allowed to enjoy it, that I am allowed to have fantasies, but it feels wrong to give in to those feelings.

To me sex is not something I do just like that. It needs to have meaning for me, there has to be feelings.
I think this part always feels betrayed the most when a relationship ended.
Sex is a last part of me I give to the other person. If he gets this from me, he has all of me.
I know this sounds oldfashioned, but it is who I am, and I am not ashamed of it.

This “sex part” of me has to go with the flow also.
I have to let go and enjoy it, open myself up to the other, trust myself to make the right choice in giving myself to the other.
Allow myself to enjoy sex, allow myself to have fantasies and give in to those fantasies, allow myself to give myself completely to someone.

May be that last remark is my biggest problem, give myself completely, if I do give myself, I can be hurt more too.

It’s very hard for me to lower my defenses , to lower my wall, and that’s why I am stuck now.

But I have to lower it to become one whole person again.