For years my writing was connected with me being sick and I am not sick anymore. I was also afraid that my writing wouldn’t be interesting enough anymore now I am not sick anymore. But I don’t write to be interesting. I write because I like to write and because I ‘need’ it. Continue reading
I almost had one, last weekend.
There was no sex, but I did have a cozy night and laughed a lot. I think the idea of having a one night stand was there, but I couldn’t do it.
And now I am thinking, why almost ? Why didn’t I do it ? Why didn’t I go all the way?
But at the same time I am disgusted by my own thoughts about it.
A “one night stand” that is not for me, thats for “whores”. But why? What is so wrong with it?
He was very clear about what he wanted, he was looking for sex. I was very clear , and told him that he could forget about that. And still we ended up in bed together.
And yet there is something about it. He was a nice, cozy, interesting guy, could be my type may be, but I’m not looking for someone.
But there is something attractive about the idea of a one night stand. A strange, attractive guy, who sees something in me, although it is just for a short while.
I think it was “strange” for him too, not what he was used to having happen with women.
I gained a new life experience, may be thats where my problem is. No similar experience in life, not good experiences that is.
Going steady at a very young age, mostly with the wrong types of guys, didn’t really have the freedom or didn’t take the freedom to experience life in general.
I wanted someone to love me, belong to someone. I have never really been alone and enjoyed or done what was possible. Experienced a lot of wrong things, gained the wrong experiences, and wrong experiences were forced on me.
And now I am 46 years old and would like to run in to the real thing, but may be I should run in to myself first, discover myself, do things.
May be than I can tell what I am looking for. And if that doesn’t excist, I should be able to be alone.
May be I even need more one night stands then LOL
And may be I already found him.
A partner shouldn’t give you what you can’t give yourself.
A partner should only complement, make all XL. First you have to be in “balance” yourself, feel good about yourself.
First become someone and then find someone to complement who I am.
Not find someone, then adjust to that person, so you can become someone you aren’t.
Actually I am proud of myself that I almost had a one night stand. Ha ha ha