I constantly have the tendency to apologize for not writing enough. But I am not going to because: ‘Oh yeah , it is my blog’, I can write whenever I want to. Continue reading
Last few days I have had a lot of headaches.
I am very tired lately, busy with my head to much. Physically I am doing what they told me to do by rehabilitation, and I have to say that all is going much easier than in the beginning, so I am making progress.
But mentally I am having a hard time, which shows I am not ok in my head yet.
Starting up this blog asked a lot of energy from me, and now I am translating all to English, which is asking a lot of energy again.
Going to bed to late, the old pattern sneaks in again, and I can’t do it the old way anymore.
It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I wake up at the same time, so going to bed to late results in short nights, and those nights I need so much for my brain to recover.
But lately I almost feel “normal”, and then old habits can sneak in easily.
And yet I am happy with the headaches too.
First because I think the headache is a “sign” that I am not doing the right thing. So my body is warning me.
Second because I can have a headache again without being afraid.
Before the cerebral hemorrhage I have had a lot of migraines.
Since the cerebral hemorrhage I rarely have had headaches, but if I had one I became very afraid, I was basically waiting for the pain to become so massive that I had to go to the hospital again.
Which didn’t happen ofcourse, but the pain I had to go through with the cerebral hemorrhage is almost unbearable, it is actually not doable. I use the words “almost” and “actually”, because I did bear it and did it that day.
But that day and that pain made me so afraid of headaches that I almost panicked if I had one again.
Now, after more than a year after the cerebral hemorrhage, I can finally have a “normal” headache again.
The headache this time was a step forward for me again.
I am not sure what I am going to write about today.
There is no title yet when I start writing this.
I feel kind of “normal”, I have more of those “ I feel normal” days lately.
Only very tired, and thinking a lot about what needs to change.
Some things are just too much for me right now.
I should get rid of one dog, I have 2 German shepherds, both pull on the leash a bit.
So now they do all their “stuff” on the balcony, which I clean again, but walking with the dogs rarely happens. It is just too much.
But getting rid of one dog, only the thought already makes me sad, but it would be better for the dog and for me.
With the kids/adults I agreed that things are going to change.
Instead of living in a hotel with mom as their maid, it is going to be 4 adults living in a house together.
I have had it, yes I am their mom, yes I have to take care of them, but until what age?
Yes on alla ges, but there is a limit, and I think I reached it.
When I was 17, I lived on my own and had to take care of myself.
So I think it is time fort hem to start cooking, cleaning , doing the laundry and so on.
They need to be able to take care of themselves.
And so far I failed in teaching them how to do that.
I am a mom with a few basic rules; I am in favor of discovering life.
I think I am an “easy” mom compared to others.
As long as they are honest and tell me where they are, they can do a lot.
Be a “kid” for as long as possible, all that serious adult stuff is going to take long enough.
We do talk about how I think about things and why, why they do things and how they think about them. But I let them make their own decisions as much as possible.
And so far this way of upbringing gave me 3 great kids, all being themselves, being their own individual, no clone of their parents.
All 3 have their own clear opinion about things, and I think this is the way it should be.
But are they taking care of themselves? Not really.
Taking responsibility? Not really.
I hate schedules and making plans.
But I think it is needed, so I can get more rest.
It is time for myself and what I want.
May be that’s a nice title; “Time for Myself”.
After surviving a cerebral hemorrhage and an operation through a hole in my skull , a lot of people think I appreciate life more.
Not that I don’t appreciate life, and I am very happy that I survived all of it, but enjoy a butterfly or a sunset more, no.
Before all this I enjoyed life already, enjoyed the clouds for example, not many people know/knew that I enjoyed the ordinary things, but I did.
What did change is the meaning of the thought : “I don’t take that shit anymore”.
Which doesn’t mean that I don’t give a shit, but I’m more determined to do what I want, or at least not to accept what I don’t want anymore.
Also, I’m more determined to be myself, and if someone doesn’t like it, to bad.
Not at the expense of others, but at least being positive for myself first.
To many of you this would be considered “normal”, but for me it isn’t.
A part of me was “myself”, the other part was hidden , I thought not interesting enough for others to inderstand..
But being myself is not that bad, a lot of people like me I think ,and thats an understatement ha ha ha. (A joke only my boys will understand)
So appreciate life more because of what happened, no……..
But I will appreciate life more because I am going to be myself.