May be I know what the purpose of the almost one night stand was.
After something like that, I start thinking thoughts like; “Why did I do that? It is not like me, why did I do that?” , and than after a day or 3, the reason comes out.
I wish this thinking process could go faster, but thats another A4.
But I think all this has to do with believing in myself. Gaining confidence in myself.
Knowing that I decide what happens with me, when and by who.
Sounds very easy, you just say “no”, and than it won’t happen. But this was never so easy for me.
I was in a marriage for 20 years, in which I never was forced to have sex, but saying “no” resulted in an angry or grumpy husband. So, to keep the peace, I just let it happen. Which for me felt as an obligation or something in which I had no say.
Before these 20 years of marriage I was raped, something I had never had help processing, so this didn’t make me ok in a relationship either.
H. is the first one who treats me like it is supposed to be. No is no, and there is not even a discussion or bad word about it. This way of treating me, results in me wanting more sex. Don’t tell my ex , ha ha ha.
For my ex the relationship was good if the sex was good. For me the relationship has to be good and then sex follows.
And I think the almost one night stand also has to do with me attracting certain men.
May be I always attracted the “wrong” men, or “that kind of men” , just because I didn’t believe in myself enough.
That is different this time too, it was a different kind of man, the almost one night stand man was different, H. is also a different kind of man.
I think this part of believing in myself, the part of making the right choices, is also part of the experience I needed from the almost one night stand.
I needed to know that my choices have changed, because I changed. I have to cry now :) A sign that I am on the right track with my thinking.