Step by Step

A while back I wrote there wasn’t much hope for my relationship anymore.
Now H. is here. His problems are not solved but at least we are together again. Continue reading


One night stand part 2

May be I know what the purpose of the almost one night stand was.

After something like that, I start thinking thoughts like; “Why did I do that? It is not like me, why did I do that?” , and than after a day or 3, the reason comes out.
I wish this thinking process could go faster, but thats another A4.

But I think all this has to do with believing in myself. Gaining confidence in myself.

Knowing that I decide what happens with me, when and by who.
Sounds very easy, you just say “no”, and than it won’t happen. But this was never so easy for me.

I was in a marriage for 20 years, in which I never was forced to have sex, but saying “no” resulted in an angry or grumpy husband. So, to keep the peace, I just let it happen. Which for me felt as an obligation or something in which I had no say.

Before these 20 years of marriage I was raped, something I had never had help processing, so this didn’t make me ok in a relationship either.

H. is the first one who treats me like it is supposed to be. No is no, and there is not even a discussion or bad word about it. This way of treating me, results in me wanting more sex. Don’t tell my ex , ha ha ha.

For my ex the relationship was good if the sex was good. For me the relationship has to be good and then sex follows.

And I think the almost one night stand also has to do with me attracting certain men.

May be I always attracted the “wrong” men, or “that kind of men” , just because I didn’t believe in myself enough.

That is different this time too, it was a different kind of man, the almost one night stand man was different, H. is also a different kind of man.

I think this part of believing in myself, the part of making the right choices, is also part of the experience I needed from the almost one night stand.

I needed to know that my choices have changed, because I changed. I have to cry now :) A sign that I am on the right track with my thinking.