For years my writing was connected with me being sick and I am not sick anymore. I was also afraid that my writing wouldn’t be interesting enough anymore now I am not sick anymore. But I don’t write to be interesting. I write because I like to write and because I ‘need’ it. Continue reading
This is the question I am asking myself all the time now.
And the answer is actually very simple.
I want to be free.
Free in the meaning of being who I am.
I would like to do what comes up in my mind, if possible of course.
I don’t want to worry about what others might think about me, or if they would love me or not.
I don’t want to worry about if something is normal or not.
I don’t want to be ashamed of something I want.
There is always something keeping me from being myself.
With a lot of things I already changed, became more myself, but not all.
When it comes to sex I want to be free also, but that means the wall has to go down, I need to open myself up to the other person, which means I have to trust the other completely.
If I do this, I can be hurt big time too.
And I think this is my biggest problem.
I can’t completely trust someone.
The one responsible for my rape, was someone I trusted.
I think his betrayal of my trust is worse for me than the rape itself.
So there are two choices for me now;
Not being me completely, so not being able to become completely happy.
Or allowing myself to take the chance of being hurt again. Positive about this choice is, if I don’t get hurt I might become completely happy.
So this should be an easy choice.
But it isn’t , pffffffff
It’s a thick and strong wall I built around me in all those years.
My housekeeper should come today, I think, one week she comes on a Monday, and the other week on a Tuesday,so I could be wrong about today.
The frustrating thing about this is that I immediately start thinking that everything is not really ok yet in my head because of the cerebral hemorrhage. But, everyone sometimes forgets something, so it can be nothing too.
I need to trust myself more, but the body is not coorperating.
I am upset for days after a fight, that’s not normal. Certainly not in the way I was upset.
And what also happens, is it feels like all my energy goes into being upset, and then other things go wrong.
I forget things, type in the wrong order, become terribly tired.
Once in a while my right side starts acting up again, my lower right back gets stiff, right pinky feels like it is asleep because my shoulder gets stuck and won’t move properly.
Retaining water, first my peeing was disordered, not anymore, now the sweat is running from my back for no reason.
Walking on the street is, hmm how to describe that, it’s just nothing pleasant.
Walking and looking around makes me dizzy, so I look at the ground as much as possible.
But when the sun is shining, the ground starts to sparkle, so that makes me dizzy too.
Sunglasses luckily helps, but if the weather is variably I forget them sometimes.
Walking stairs is also a challenge. The stairs at home go well. But unknown stairs I have to find my balance first. Otherwise I fall forward.
Noise I am familiar with goes well.
In a new environment, or when I hear new sounds or noises, it starts feeling weird in my head. As if I have pressure building up in my head, which makes me tired fast.
It feels as if my brain has to get used to everything again, but why?
I am one of the lucky ones who didn’t have damage from the cerebral hemorrhage.
And no one really has an answer to this. Everyone sais, “it needs time”.
I do everything I can, as I am determined to have a normal life again.
But it makes me so insecure.
“I have a rollercoaster in my head”, that’s what I said when I was depressed.
I went up and down with my emotions, from feeling happy to feeling down and all-in between, in just a few minutes. At first I stayed longer in the valley than on the happy top, later on that changed in being longer at the happy top and less in the valley, until I wasn’t in the valley much anymore.
It was always a strange feeling, I felt myself go up and down in my head.
Now I am not depressed anymore, but I still have a rollercoaster.
Only it is a rollercoaster with my thinking now.
For days I can go on and on, thinking, writing,thinking, writing………….. and it gives me an enormous kick.
On those days everything goes smooth, I know I can trust myself, I know I can trust my head on those days. I am alert, witty, can answer directly, I don’t wander with my thoughts, don’t forget anything, and so on…….
Than the valley sets in. Not a down valley this time, but it’s more a sleepy valley.
On those days I am tired in my head, it feels like I don’t wake up. This can take all day, and sometimes it is just in the morning. On those days I don’t trust my head at all. I do get all what is happening, but in slow motion, not fast enough to answer questions directly, and I can be in my own world in seconds on those days.
Mostly a valley takes 3 days, why 3 days, I don’t know. If I have to think about something, mostly it also takes 3 days before the answer is there.
If I think about it, my whole life is a rollercoaster. In general it has tops and valleys, just like anyone else. But I think I live like a rollercoaster too. All I do is a rollercoaster. I do all what has to be done, in a short amount of time, and then ……. Nothing.
A few nice days where I am productive, and then days with nothing happening in them.
May be I grew up with it. On a ship you have to “peak” if you can go on land, do this , do that, then back onto your “island”.
When moving I could rest.
These things are always hard and double………..
I need to plan now, divide everything I have to do over the day, more gradually, so I will get rest, so I become calm.
But if I did everything I had to do in a short amount of time, and after that I am done, that also gives me rest, which also makes me calm.
And the top of the rollercoaster in my head, gives me an enormous kick. I don’t know if I would like it , if that kick was gone.
Bye bye rollercoaster, hello dull and routine. Thats how it feels to me, if the rollercoaster would disappear.
At first I thought I needed a more interesting job, more challenge. But that means taking your work home. And before you know it, your work is your life.
I did this for 8 months. Being at home and wondering if I did everything right at work, having my cellular work phone with me, wondering if something would happen.
After all that has happened with me, that is one thing I know I don’t want. I am not going to live for my work.
Now I close the door behind me and I am out of my work. I like that. Even if my head is not cooperating, I can still do my work.
I also think that my work is just to make money.
What I would like to do is enjoy my life, but….. enjoy what?
What is it I want?
An artists life……. Ha ha ha. With some other yummie artist.
Wouldn’t it be fun if I could make money with my painting and writing :) But I am not good enough to do that, I think………
But all I want is a carefree, enjoyable life………
Just let my self go, like a ride on the rollercoaster.
Wouldn’t that be fun.