We Will See

For years my writing was connected with me being sick and I am not sick anymore. I was also afraid that my writing wouldn’t be interesting enough anymore now I am not sick anymore. But I don’t write to be interesting. I write because I like to write and because I ‘need’ it. Continue reading

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Rollercoaster

“I have a rollercoaster in my head”, that’s what I said when I was depressed.

I went up and down with my emotions, from feeling happy to feeling down and all-in between, in just a few minutes. At first I stayed longer in the valley than on the happy top, later on that changed in being longer at the happy top and less in the valley, until I wasn’t in the valley much anymore.

It was always a strange feeling, I felt myself go up and down in my head.

Now I am not depressed anymore, but I still have a rollercoaster.
Only it is a rollercoaster with my thinking now.

For days I can go on and on, thinking, writing,thinking, writing………….. and it gives me an enormous kick.
On those days everything goes smooth, I know I can trust myself, I know I can trust my head on those days. I am alert, witty, can answer directly, I don’t wander with my thoughts, don’t forget anything, and so on…….

Than the valley sets in. Not a down valley this time, but it’s more a sleepy valley.
On those days I am tired in my head, it feels like I don’t wake up. This can take all day, and sometimes it is just in the morning. On those days I don’t trust my head at all. I do get all what is happening, but in slow motion, not fast enough to answer questions directly, and I can be in my own world in seconds on those days.

Mostly a valley takes 3 days, why 3 days, I don’t know. If I have to think about something, mostly it also takes 3 days before the answer is there.

If I think about it, my whole life is a rollercoaster. In general it has tops and valleys, just like anyone else. But I think I live like a rollercoaster too. All I do is a rollercoaster. I do all what has to be done, in a short amount of time, and then ……. Nothing.

A few nice days where I am productive, and then days with nothing happening in them.

May be I grew up with it. On a ship you have to “peak” if you can go on land, do this , do that, then back onto your “island”.
When moving I could rest.

These things are always hard and double………..

I need to plan now, divide everything I have to do over the day, more gradually, so I will get rest, so I become calm.

But if I did everything I had to do in a short amount of time, and after that I am done, that also gives me rest, which also makes me calm.
And the top of the rollercoaster in my head, gives me an enormous kick. I don’t know if I would like it , if that kick was gone.

Bye bye rollercoaster, hello dull and routine. Thats how it feels to me, if the rollercoaster would disappear.

At first I thought I needed a more interesting job, more challenge. But that means taking your work home. And before you know it, your work is your life.
I did this for 8 months. Being at home and wondering if I did everything right at work, having my cellular work phone with me, wondering if something would happen.

After all that has happened with me, that is one thing I know I don’t want. I am not going to live for my work.

Now I close the door behind me and I am out of my work. I like that. Even if my head is not cooperating, I can still do my work.

I also think that my work is just to make money.
What I would like to do is enjoy my life, but….. enjoy what?

What is it I want?

An artists life……. Ha ha ha. With some other yummie artist.

Wouldn’t it be fun if I could make money with my painting and writing :) But I am not good enough to do that, I think………

But all I want is a carefree, enjoyable life………
Just let my self go, like a ride on the rollercoaster.

Wouldn’t that be fun.