Believing in myself

Do you have any idea how hard that is at the moment?

I was always kind of insecure, and the last few years didn’t make that any less.

In the end, these years will only make things better, but I am still going through a whole process now.

First I am in depression for 2 years; that feels as if my head lets me down.

Than when I think I am through with that and can start to build up my life again, I get a cerebral hemorrhage. The next day, I immediately hear that there is another bad artery which needs an operation through a hole in my skull.

So now my body lets me down.

What is still left of me?

So than I am sitting there with all my pain,sadness and thoughts, in a body that is not cooperating and scared to death of becoming depressed again, because after the cerebral hemorrhage I had to wait for 8 months for my operation. I was living with the feeling of having a timebomb in my head. Well I was slowly losing it.

Tears are flowing big time, so it is good to talk about this.

What is still left of me, to believe in? Everything lets me down.

So all is behind me, I was lucky I came out ok, and then the recovery goes so terribly slow.

What is still left to believe in?

Well…… MYSELF

I kind of live with the idea, that all what happens in life has a reason. You don’t see that reason right away, most of the time the reason shows itself much later. The moment you get this “puzzle is complete” idea in your head, that feeling that the last piece is finally fallen into its place.

I think all had to happen with me because I was not living my own life, I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t really happy.

The depression was needed to get my mind in the right direction, to step out of a marriage which wasn’t right.
To step out of the Sonja who wasn’t me.

May be I even needed the depression, to be able to handle what I am in now.

May be after the depression I was changing into my old me again, and needed the cerebral hemorrhage, to stop that. I had to stop with what I was doing, I was destroying myself.

But a much more beautifull reason is, I think, that the cerebral hemorrhage was needed to find the other bad artery. So I could make a complete new start, physically and mentally.

And the recovery takes so long, because I need time to make that change to become myself.

Otherwise I will be tempted to fall back in my old habits again, now I am forced by myself to work on myself.

So…… Did everything really let me down?

May be “me” knows very well what she is doing, and may be “me”  is the only thing I can really believe in and really trust on.

All I am saying here can also be nonsense offcourse, but is that important?

I always need a reason for everything.

This way of looking at things or thinking about things, got me through everything so far. Many times there is a reason, only most people don’t think about it.

Everyone is different, and this is me.

Me and “my weird head” .

And this remark about my head is not meant in an inferior way. I know I sometimes think different than others. There will be more like me, but I don’t meet them much. Or they don’t talk about it, just like I never did.

So believing in myself…………

I think I have every reason to believe in myself. But because I never really did, it isn’t so easy for me; I need some more “experiences”.

And “me” will know what my next experience will be.

Nice thought, isn’t it?
That I can believe in myself, that “me” knows what it is doing.

“Me” should have a name, may be it is Sonja.